The Art of saying No

One New Year’s Eve quite a few years ago, I made the resolution to myself to say ‘yes’ more. Say yes to opportunities that scared or excited me, say yes to something fun despite the mountain of homework (because life’s too short, right?) and importantly, say yes when people asked me if I needed help.

Back then I was the kind of person who always prioritised school and would get totally wound up if my to do list was longer than my pinkie finger (it’s at this point that a big shout out goes to everyone who had any form of contact with me throughout sixth year. You know who you are and what you dealt with). I needed to be organised and break my homework down into manageable chunks, so this meant often turning opportunities down because I was scared I couldn’t handle everything.

But at some point, this changed.

I realised I couldn’t live my life through school. Yes, it felt good to always get things in on time and to get good grades for it, but I also wanted to enjoy myself. I wanted to join new and exciting youth groups and try different hobbies. I wanted to have lots of things to look forward to. Admittedly not all of these were the best ideas *cue Bronze Duke of Edinburgh expedition war flashbacks*, but they were extracurricular activities which brought me a lot of joy as well as nicely filling up and rounding off my CV.

Fast forward to the present. Today. Three years deep into uni… and now?

I can’t go back.

Somewhere between the school canteen and the lecture hall the word ‘no’ has been removed from my vocabulary. And let me tell you, it’s not good.

From aiding my inevitable university weight gain to leading me to practically set up residence in the warehouse at work, this agreement Tourette’s that I’ve acquired has infiltrated almost all aspects of my life.

On the one hand this is a clear sign that, at the very least, this is one resolution that I’ve stuck to, so I can pat myself on the back for that one. Yet I’ve come to realise that somewhere there has to lie a nice, safe, sensible middle ground.

This hazy grey area between agreeing to everything and always saying no, for me, is such a tricky one, because there is such a fine line between not wanting to miss out, but also knowing there are other pressing matters I should be dealing with. Prioritising what is urgent or important has been my starting point, and since buying myself a diary I’ve found it a lot easier to manage and keep track of this. I’ve also been trying to consciously put myself first in a non-selfish way, ie- stop trying to keep other people happy doing things I know that I don’t want to. Life is far too short to spend it doing things you don’t like (apart from things you can’t avoid, but it’s always good to keep it to a minimum when you can), so why waste time and energy on stuff that isn’t necessary? Or worse still- create new problems for yourself all on your own. Nobody is going to die because you declined a shift on your day off, and you probably aren’t going to miss the single best night of your entire existence if you swerve a night out you don’t particularly want to go on or have time for (however I’m still working on this one, lol).

I think it’s all about perspective with a hint of ye olde time management. If you’re super organised and have the sleeping pattern of a dolphin then perhaps you can’t relate to any of this. Congratulations. But for the lazy and more human among us, you are not alone. I don’t know anybody who doesn’t struggle to completely keep up with the expectations we have of maintaining a social life, education, part time job and hobby, all while getting a good night’s sleep. But I reckon learning where to draw the line and tell people “no” is definitely a step in that direction.

In the meantime, however, I’m still desperately flailing about in my big yes mess. But I know that I’m getting somewhere slowly.

Vicky x