Keep Calm and Go it Alone

As an only child, you'd think I'd have the art of entertaining myself down to a T. But you can probably tell by the simple fact that I am dedicating a blog post to this however... I actually, most definitely, do not. I am possibly one of the most co-dependent people on this planet. Or at least I used to be... *BIG sly face emoji, you can see where this is going*

Since starting uni I have realised the importance and value of enjoying your own company and being good at being left alone. If anything, I had thought my uni experience would prove the exact opposite. In my head I imagined constant company: people always milling about the kitchen, friends practically living in each other's rooms and always having a squad to sit with in the library. But I discovered the hard way that student life wasn't actually going to be like this, and so I found myself feeling really quite lost.

Going from spending all of my time surrounded by people at high school- whether it be at after school clubs, being with my friends or simply sitting at home with my family- to being plunged into an alien environment where I was expected to be entirely independent was hugely daunting. The reality of Halls was awful. I have always thrived off the company of others, so suddenly spending vast amounts of my spare time by myself  was immensely difficult, and as a result I felt very unfulfilled, and in a sense disappeared into myself.

Don't get me wrong, I am endlessly grateful to my parents for encouraging me to have a busy schedule and instilling in me the drive to grab as many opportunities as I can whilst I was growing up. But in a way, I feel like this is largely where my downfall comes from.

I had always assumed that most people enjoyed their own company due to the fact that they had brothers or sisters, and so time alone was scarce and precious. But I've since come to believe that it's probably a subconscious skill that you acquire. For example- my Mum worked from home for much of my adolescent life, meaning that there was always somebody around for me to come home to. Unlike a lot of my pals, I literally never got left home alone, and so I feel as if I've missed out on some kind of 'personal development exercise' that everyone else seems to be a master of.

Even that idea in itself- that everyone could cope better than me- was very unhelpful, and also probably untrue. But for a very long time I let this feeling of crushing loneliness consume me. I felt like I didn't have any friends and that every one of my school pals was having a better time than me.

I wasted a painful amount of time moping, simply because I couldn't bring myself to find ways to fill my spare time and satisfy my hunger for company and activities sufficiently. But things have slowly, but surely, been getting better.

It hasn't been until very recently that I have grown to be comfortable with being by myself and coping alone, and it has honestly changed my life. It's so bizarre to think back at the way I was feeling this time last year, or even just since my first semester of second year, and see just how far I've come.

Now, when I have the flat to myself for a few hours (or on the rare occasion that it's a few days) I don't lie in bed and let myself drift in and out of an uncomfortable and unhealthy sleep. Instead, I give myself a purpose:

Bushy brows? I'll go out and get them waxed.

Room a tip? Make a playlist and blast the flat.

Want to read some more of my book? I'll pop into a coffee shop, or sit outside on a nice day, and take some time to escape.

And genuinely, being able to find little, seemingly uninteresting and/or unimportant things to do has made coping so much easier (although it is a somewhat more expensive way of living, I think my own happiness is worth every penny).

Of course, I didn't just suddenly manage to cope overnight. It took a good while, but it's so liberating knowing that I can finally be left in the flat by myself for more than four hours at a time and not implode waiting for the girls to come back. I can get myself out of bed and actually do something, without feeling remotely lonely.

Princes Street Gardens: taken one Sunday afternoon after completing my second weekend in a row in the flat alone. This was the first time I really appreciated how much progress I'd made

I had never really considered giving the idea of being content with your own company the same weight of importance as that of communication/people skills, but from what I've experienced I can say that it is just as important a life skill. The thought of one day having a flat all to myself no longer fills me with fear, and I am confident that I now have the drive and motivation to give myself a reason to get out of bed, even if there's nobody around to notice.

It is so important to be able to hold your own in this world. By discovering things to do and places to go by myself and actually enjoy, I feel a hell of a lot stronger. I no longer rely on the presence of other people to feel content, and I certainly don't need to be on the go 24/7 to be happy (although I can't deny that it helps!)

Not only this, but I have also become a lot calmer, and by taking the time to find quiet places to enjoy being alone I have really begun to see a different side to myself. Gone is the 'Big Ball of Stress' I once was, and in her place is a 'Chilled Out Ball who Only Stresses when it's Completely Necessary'. Although it's not got quite the same ring to it, I know which one I'd rather be.

St. Bernard's Well, Edinburgh: one of my favourite spots

I would love to hear if anyone else has had a similar struggle, and see what has helped you to overcome it. Perhaps by coming together, we can learn ways of being stronger when by ourselves.

Vicky x